An Andrew Tidbit...

"I came in like a freaking wrecking ball"

He always makes me laugh.

Conversations of a Married Couple--TP

H: Hey! Thanks for buying more toilet paper! Ultra Soft...sounds nice!
A: You're welcome! I hope Western Family brand is OK. Would you prefer Ultra Soft or Super Strong?
H: Ultra Soft sounds really great.
A: Good, cause I just want your bum to be happy.
H: Thanks, babe.

History Shmistery

"I think you were in my history class last year"

"Who, me?"

"Yeah. Do you have a sister?"

"Yes...."

"Yeah, you guys were in my history class. You were always on Pinterest."

"Oops."

*Still pulled a B. Count it.

His Wit

Andrew and I were walking through the vitamin aisle at the store today. They had one of those TV screens where you can see yourself from behind. You know everyone looks at themselves out when they walk past. It's your chance to casually check out your butt while you're walking.

I'm casually looking through the vitamins when Andrew yells out, "I'm I balding?!" 

Oh no... I've been dreading this conversation... what do I say? 

I patted his cute little head and told him, "Well, you are your father's son. We knew it would happen someday. But it's really not that bad!" 

Without missing a beat, Andrew whines back at me, "I just got over acne and now I'm balding! Where are my glory days??" 

Of Mice and Men

We came home from our weekend away to find mouse droppings in our bottom drawers--the ones holding all of our dish rags, towels and pot holders. It's not a big deal, right? There are mice everywhere. We decided we would shake all the poop off, wash the towels and be brave enough to use them to wash our dishes with again.

Good plan, guys.

I'm gettin the towels out of the washer to put them in the dryer when I notice something that slightly resembles a tail... I look closer, no, don't look closer, you do not want to see this... 

ANDREW!!! 

Yep, it's a mouse. In the washer. We put a mouse through the washer. It got all mushy and slimy. Its feet and tail were still attached, though. That's good for the mouse, I guess. Man, I still get sick thinking about it. 

May he rest in peace. And may his wife and children stay far, far away from my kitchen.